I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
