well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
