Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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