Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
