She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
