White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
