i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
