I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
