Just fell off a train. Bad.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
