I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
