omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
