I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
