I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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