Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
