Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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