Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
