Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
