I bet he comes in French.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
