remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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