Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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