I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
