I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
