My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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