meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
