Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
