just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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