I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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