I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My bed smells like the plague
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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