You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
