i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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