does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
