You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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