You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
