he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
