Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
