There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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