I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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