I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
