Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
