soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
