you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
