Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
