why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
