hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
