I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
