Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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