You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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