she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
