Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
