His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
